


New Year, New Beginnings

by captain_sassy_socks



Series: Crossword - AU [6]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crossword - AU, Ellie the dog, F/M, Failed Relationships, Self-Doubt, conclusion, musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22132897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_sassy_socks/pseuds/captain_sassy_socks
Summary: Sam suffers from the consequences of her miscarriage. Insomnia plagues her.In the middle of the night, she muses about her past, present, and future and comes to a conclusion.
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill
Series: Crossword - AU [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1540798
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	New Year, New Beginnings

Clouds of visible breath materialize on each exhale in the frozen air in front of Sam’s eyes. Cool fingers hold onto a warm mug. The steam rises and disappears into the atmosphere. It’s a freezing cold, starry night that finds Sam sitting on the wooden bench in the backyard, snuggled into two blankets made from finest lama fur. Only a part of her face sticks out. The rest of her head is covered by a red, knitted beanie, the same color that dapples the tip of her nose. The full moon cast its bright light over the snow-capped landscape. Ice crystals sparkle on the ground.

Insomnia is nothing new for her. After a difficult mission, it happens more often than she likes to admit. However, these days it is her constant companion.

Since she received the devastating news that turned her world upside down.

She doesn’t know why but the silent, solitary hours before dawn have become her best friend. A time to reminisce and muse. Unfortunately, she is no closer to making sense of her feelings or her future than she was a few weeks ago. She knows that healing is a slow, non-linear process, but she can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s frustrating.

Sam sighs and takes another sip from her cinnamon-laced hot chocolate. The taste brings a smile to her face. Cinnamon holds a special place in her heart, right next to Jack.

Her mind recalls the Christmas holidays. It was just the two of them and Ellie, who was more energetic and overjoyed than usual. They had promised each other not to overdo it for the gift exchange. Somehow, she managed to find something that conveyed her love for him and was practical at the same time.

She presented him with a blue motorcycle helmet. The word ‘co-pilot’ was engraved in bold, golden letters. He shook with laughter and planted a meaningful kiss on her lips in appreciation. She hit the mark. Right now, it takes up the designated space next to hers on the shelf in the garage. She looks forward to spring when they can cruise together through the countryside.

Ellie received a new toy, a rabbit similar to the one she had lost the day of Sam’s abduction in early autumn. The dog clutches it with all her strength. No-one is allowed to go near the toy.

Two neatly wrapped gifts with her name on it waited under the Christmas tree. The first one contained a powder shaker and a coffee stencil set so that she can dust various patterns on her beloved cappuccino. She squealed with joy before she registered that she didn’t have any utensils to prepare the crucial, foamy foundation. To her delight, the second gift contained a milk frother. She was deeply moved and expressed her gratitude with a languorous kiss.

Another pleasant memory pops up. On her birthday, four days later, Sam didn’t expect anything. However, Jack surprised her and handed her a small, velvet box. At first, she was wary as she suspected jewelry or something similar. Something that didn’t fit her personality.

She was mistaken.

Inside, there was a key. She frowned at him, silently requesting an explanation. He placed it in her hand and told her that she was welcome in his house anytime it pleased her. Day or night. It was the spare key to his home.

This simple gesture of faith in their relationship brought happy tears to her eyes. At a loss of words, she smothered him in a tight hug.

She underestimated her boyfriend. She admits that it is a learning curve to trust him with her heart and not jump to hasty conclusions.

And yet, sleep eludes her, while he peacefully snores under the warm covers.

There is something she can’t grasp. Like fine sand, it runs through her fingers and disappears. She feels like Tantalus, trapped in an eternal cycle of punishment. Although she is not aware of any offense, she might have committed.

Or has she?

Several times, Janet reassured her that the naquadah in her blood didn’t cause the miscarriage. Sam has a hard time believing it even though the evidence corroborates the doctor’s findings. She just can’t get rid of her guilty conscience. Janet, however, saw right through her. She placed a foil package in her hand and reminded her that there are other ways to enjoy physical intimacy and prevent pregnancy. Sam shouldn’t isolate herself out of fear.

But that’s exactly what she does, doesn’t she?

Except for a kiss here and some cuddling there, her previously enjoyed love life is non-existent. She declines any sexual advances from Jack’s side, polite but determined. He shows understanding and gives her space. Until he stops asking once and for all, she supposes.

She doesn’t want to hurt him. She loves him so much and feels connected in a way, she never thought was possible. But by protecting her vulnerable heart at all costs, she drives him away, emotionally and physically. She wonders when he will have enough of her and leave for good like everyone else.

Her train of thoughts leads to the faces of all the men from the trail of failed relationships in her life.

First, there was Martin from high school. He was her first love, cute and shy. They shared their first kiss and tentatively explored each other’s bodies. It was awkward, innocent, and sweet as first love should be. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long since Sam’s father, a highly decorated military officer, was transferred to another post. The family had to move once again. Last she heard, Martin was married with two children.

Next in line was Jonas. She met him at the Academy. He was charming, wild, and roguish. A rebel that awakened a fire in Sam that she didn’t know she possessed. On top, Jonas pissed off her father. It was her way to oppose his expectations of her life and her career. Over time, she noticed that Jonas’s appealing qualities transformed into the opposite. Charming became controlling, wild turned into reckless, and roguish evolved into lunatic. She broke up and never looked back.

Years later, she encountered him during an off-world mission. He was unrecognizable, a power-hungry and ruthless self-proclaimed god who oppressed an alien civilization. She didn’t shed any tears over his untimely death at the hands of his victims.

A shiver runs down Sam’s spine that has nothing to do with the crisp air.

The experience with Jonas rattled her and left the first deeper scar behind. Her self-confidence was restored when Kenneth entered her life. He was the press attaché at the British Embassy. They attended a conference while she was stationed in Washington, DC. There was an instant physical attraction, and sparks flew through the air. Kenneth was a few years older and looked suave with his lean body and dark hair. His smile could melt the polar caps. They ended up in bed and spend hours satisfying each other’s needs. It was fiery and passionate, but that’s all it was. It never grew into something more than a sexual liaison. They hooked up a few times until their interest dwindled, and each went their own way.

In next few years, Sam immersed herself in the Stargate program. She didn’t have time for love. Every day, she unlocked another mystery of the universe. Every day, she proved to her superiors that she was more than capable and deserved a spot on one of the teams. Everything paled in comparison to her first travel through the Stargate. The anticipation, the wonder, the thrill.

The blue event horizon bows to her will.

After the run-in with Jolinar and the Tok’ra, Martouf and his symbiont Lantash appeared in her life. They were curious, friendly, and charismatic at first, but their interest became invading and demanding. They were more interested in Jolinar’s fate and her memories than in Sam and pushed for answers. She couldn’t tell if Martouf’s affection was directed at her or at the image of his former lover. It left Sam confused and unsettled since she never knew if her emotions were her own or Jolinar’s. In the end, she had to kill Martouf to protect Earth. After the incident, she became wary of propositions from men, especially the likes from outer space.

Sam gulps down the remainder of the meanwhile lukewarm liquid. Her fingers grow stiff.

Suspicious of any kind of unwanted attention, she met Narim, a Tollan scientist. From the beginning, he showed genuine interest in her. Their intellect matched. She discussed astrophysics and related problems with him for hours. It was nice to meet an equal.

Nice is the only word that comes to her mind to describe him, as if that word means anything.

He intended to pursue a more intimate relationship, which she declined. When they discovered that his government was forced by a Goa’uld system lord to produce weapons of mass destruction to destroy Earth, he sacrificed himself to protect her. Narim’s willingness to die for her left a bad aftertaste in Sam’s mouth.

Shortly after, Joe entered Sam’s life. He was assigned as ambassador to SG-1 with the purpose to forge relations with a newly discovered civilization. He was charming, civilized, and good-looking. He showed his obvious admiration by asking her out. Unfortunately, she never got a chance to explore the possibilities between them. During the mission, he bought her enough time to warn her superiors of the alien’s true intentions. Another male died for her. After this incident, Sam swore off the dating scene for a while.

Every once in a while, Sam has the bad inkling that everyone who loves her will leave her or end up dead, one way or the other. She huffs at her own pessimism.

A serious of disconcerting and unsettling missions shook Sam’s confidence. It left her in a fragile emotional state. Her brother urged her to go on a date with a friend of a friend, a cop named Pete. At first, he seemed charming, sweet, and remarkably normal, a stark contrast to her stressful and grueling life at that time. Pete promised her a life she thought she needed and wanted; a family, children, and a hospitable home.

Sam shakes her head at the connotation of ‘normal’ and the associated societal expectations. Her life is so far away from ordinary and traditional that most people couldn’t imagine it, even if they knew the truth.

Staring at a snow-covered tree, her thoughts return to the relationship she regrets the most.

Too late, she recognized that their concepts of normalcy differed. Pete wanted her to stay at home, care for the children, and have dinner ready when he came home. He wanted her to listen to his story and look up to him in admiration. He never regarded her as equal and tried to change her in his image. His ways were creative and manipulative, carefully planting seeds of self-doubt and insecurity in Sam’s mind. He abused her emotionally by downplaying her accomplishments and guilt-tripping her when she stayed late in her lab. Even if it was only five minutes. Janet spotted the subtle changes in Sam’s behavior, the missing enthusiasm and the constant excuses, and gave her a piece of her mind. It was a startling revelation.

Silently, Sam thanks her best friend, who always stands by her side and is not afraid to speak her mind. It saved her life on several occasions.

Sam ended the relationship with Pete, who couldn’t cope with it. He showed his true colors and became angry, insulting, and physically threatening. The soldier in Sam defended herself, the woman, however, shattered into a million pieces.

The experience left behind the sinking feeling that her heart could never ever be mended again. That she shouldn’t trust any man anymore. That she was destined to be alone.

Until Jack.

Her lips curl up.

They got off on a rocky start. Jack came off as a creepy, old man the first time she bumped into him at the coffee shop. Her gut instinct told her not to read a book by its cover because of his dog.

For once, Sam’s heart overruled her cautious mind.

She hasn’t regretted her decision and is likewise glad he forgave her for standing him up on their agreed first date. Nevertheless, her doubts remain. Nowadays, they take a back seat and only surface in quiet moments like these when she can’t stop thinking.

What is it that holds her back from opening up to him unconditionally?

She loves him and trusts him, yet a part of her still expects the worst. She can’t figure out why. He hasn’t given her any reason to doubt him.

Jack is so different from her previous boyfriends. He is charming, attentive, and courteous. Not once has he pressured or forced her to reveal secrets that her job entails. Even now that he knows the truth, he doesn’t cross the line. Sam suspects he would shout his overenthusiastic praise for her from the rooftops if he was allowed to do so. ‘Space hero’ is his favorite endearment.

Her heart aches for his flowery declarations of love.

The sex is better than she would have ever imagined, even better than the love affair with Kenneth. Jack is attentive and focuses on her and her pleasure. Every moan, sigh, or purr is used as an indicator, an incentive, and a reward. He doesn’t race to the climax. He prefers to connect A with B, draws out C, branches off to D, and starts all over at B before he ultimately hits E. He gives and gives and doesn’t stop until she collapses satiated and satisfied in his arms. He likes to receive as well, but it isn’t his primary concern.

Her body aches for his burning touch.

It doesn’t hurt that he looks dashing with his three days’ growth of beard and his warm, brown eyes. His unruly hair feels like silk when she runs her fingers through them. And his lean body, which shows signs of aging, appeals to her sense of aesthetics. He is not the youngest anymore, neither is she. Both of them are shaped by their life’s choices.

Jack asks her about the universe and science in general only to pretend that her technobabble confuses him. ‘Technobabble’, that’s his word for her scientific explanations. She suspects that he understands more than he admits. It warms her soul to share that passion with him, may it be a crossword puzzle or an interesting equation. Even if he can’t help with the more complicated aspects, at least, he makes sure she is fed and gets enough sleep.

He balances her.

Jack engages with her playful and silly side. She doesn’t have to justify her taste in romance novels, her collection of bath salts, or her favorite ice cream flavor. In his presence, the child inside of her comes out and marvels at the small wonders of the world. Sometimes, he cracks self-deprecating or lame jokes just to see her smile. She indulges him way too often.

In the end, all he does is to respect and to love each part of her, the soldier, the scientist, and the woman. He tells and shows her every day.

Finally, Sam understands her mother’s answer when she asked her how she knew she was in love with dad. ‘There is someone who asks you how your day was. Nevermind, if you saved the world or lounged on the couch. He just sits with you and listens.’

Why can’t she hand her heart over to Jack, knowing that he will protect it at all costs?

Sam sighs into the empty mug. Looking up to the luminous moon, she wishes her mother was here at her side. She would find the right words and show a different perspective she hasn’t considered.

What is it that makes her second-guess her own decisions and feelings?

The unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage have left their mark. Sam just isn’t sure how to categorize the traumatic experience.

Was she shocked when she found out that she was pregnant? Hell, yes!

A baby had never crossed her mind, not with any of her previous boyfriends nor with Jack.

How would she even juggle her job and a child?

She could hardly drop it off at daycare before she goes off-world on a mission. And she can’t picture herself as a stay-at-home mum. In the last few weeks, she got the impression that Jack wouldn’t make her choose between a child and her career. Instead, he would support any decision she would reach.

That’s a foreign concept for her. All the other men always expected her to choose in their favor and put their well-being first.

What if she gets pregnant by accident again?

They haven’t talked about the possibility, sex in general, or other options of available contraceptives since that fateful day. Sam is on birth control but doesn’t have much faith in it anymore. Abstinence doesn’t work in the long run as she craves his intimate touch more and more each day.

How does she handle the ever-present risk of losing another child?

She can’t put herself through such a traumatic experience again, let alone him. It could destroy them once and for all.

And if they decide to start a family? Is the risk acceptable, albeit Janet’s assurance that everything is okay?

Which decision scares her more? Getting pregnant or having to raise a child?

Her own mother’s early death and all the related issues make her feel insecure. Often, she doubts her ability to care for a baby and be a good mother. The small voice in her head reminds her that she doesn’t have to go through it alone. Jack likes children and would make a great father. She has no doubt about that.

What if she comes to a conclusion to never have a child? Is that selfish?

Guilt and shame creep over her.

“Gaaaah!” Sam presses her hands against her temples. Her mind drives her crazy since her thoughts go round in circles.

She takes a deep breath. The freezing air burns its way down to her lungs. Maybe, she needs a different approach. She is a scientist, after all. She knows the equation, including the variables and the unknowns for one of her problems.

The satisfaction of her needs can be divided into emotional stimulation, physical arousal, and intercourse to various degrees. The latter includes the unknowns, the risk of getting pregnant, and different scenarios of consequences. The definition of risk consists of the probability of an occurrence multiplied by its severity. She doesn’t have a direct influence on the severity factor or the consequences. However, she can place barriers in place to minimize the probability of getting pregnant.

Since abstinence and only engaging in oral sex aren’t desirable conclusions, she needs to accept the already presented option.

Damn, where did she leave Janet’s nudge in the right direction?

Determined, Sam rises and walks back into the house. The snow crunches under her foot.

Inside, she discards the mug, blankets, and winter clothing. She blows on her stiff fingers to warm them up. No need to give Jack a heart attack. That would thwart her plan.

First, she needs to find a crucial part of her conclusion.

Ellie follows Sam with heightened interest while she searches through her belongings in the semi-darkness of the living room, hallway, and bathroom.

“Aha!” Her fingers retrieve the treasured item from a side pocket of her washbag. They enclose it with fading confidence.

“Wish me luck!” Sam scratches Ellie behind her ears to gather to an extra ounce of courage. It’s ridiculous. Her boyfriend sleeps behind the closed door, not a menace. It’s only sex, not the fate of the universe. She shouldn’t be nervous.

She opens the bedroom door with trembling fingers and tiptoes toward the bed, careful not to disturb him.

A ray of refracted moonlight casts over his sleeping form. It highlights one side of his relaxed face as if all the troubles in the world have vanished. He looks so boyish and innocent while he snores and drools into the pillow.

Her throat constricts with emotions. She needs to feel him on her skin, underneath, inside, and all around.

Sam throws back the covers and straddles his waist.

Her actions tear him from his peaceful slumber. “Wha...?” His sleepy and befuddled brain tries to catch up.

Her fingers crawl over the soft material that separates them from the flesh underneath. “Make love to me.” She whispers her request, hoarse and quaky. She pushes the condom into his hand.

“Are you sure?”

She leans down and captures his lips in a searing kiss.

Words become unnecessary.

She wants to rush their exploration and sprint to the finish line, but he takes his time and keeps her on the edge until he allows her to fly off the cliff.

Their lovemaking is liberating. A burden is lifted from Sam’s heart.

In the afterglow of their bliss, they lie together, cuddled up with entangled legs. Sam’s head rests on his chest. Her fingers move up, down and across the soft skin of his belly. They are restless and inexorable in conquering lost territory. The texture beneath her fingertips completes her equation.

This right here. This has been missing from her life for the last few weeks, intimacy and affection.

Once again, she underestimated him.

For a while, they just cherish each other’s presence.

Jack breaks the spell. “Not to be the one to complain,” he remarks, hesitation obvious in the way his fingers travel along her spine, “but what brought this all about?”

Sam ponders the question, “I don’t know. I was just thinking.”

“I’d worry if you ever stopped,” he retorts with a trace of amusement in his voice.

Sam raises an eyebrow at the comment. She gives him a playful nudge in the side that makes him squirm. He lets out a choked laugh and hugs her body closer. Satisfied, Sam snuggles deeper into his embrace.

Another minute of comfortable silence passes by before Jack inquires, “And?”

One word only, nothing more. However, she hears the string of underlying questions. What were you thinking? What did you conclude? How do you feel? How can I help?

Sam doesn’t have an answer for him. She can only give him an approximate summary of her musings.

“Me. You. Us.” She pauses and then adds, “The past, the future.” It’s the truth, even if it doesn’t make sense to him.

He nuzzles her hair and murmurs, “That’s heavy stuff for the middle of the night.”

“Yeah, but it was necessary.” She lifts her head and props herself on her folded arms. In the dim light, she can’t see the finer details of his face. She feels his alert eyes trace her every move, waiting for an explanation. His gentle fingers play with a strand of her hair.

Sam tries to organize her scattered thoughts while she leans into his touch. Somehow, this small gesture grounds her and brings enough clarity to express herself.

“I can’t do this alone.”

When she doesn’t elaborate, Jack assures her, “You’re not alone. I’ll always be there for you. No matter what.”

She appreciates the sentiment and believes him. She really does, but that’s not what it’s all about. Kissing his thumb, she explains, “I know. And without you, I would be lost.” She takes a deep breath and confesses, “But I need someone to help me figure all this out who is not emotionally involved. Someone professional.”

“Okay. Do you have someone in mind?” His fingers never stop their feathery, calming caresses.

“There are several doctors on base. I’ll call one tomorrow.”

The ghosts of previous failed relationships cast doubt and mock her. What if she is unable to work through her trauma? How long will Jack stay at her side before he moves on and finds someone else without so much emotional baggage? The small voice in her head makes her feel vulnerable and insecure. Her whole body tenses up.

In an attempt to protect herself, she averts her gaze. It’s irrational, but she can’t help it.

Jack places two fingers under her chin.“Sam.” The gentleness in his voice persuades her to return his look. “Whatever you decide, whatever you need to heal, I’ll support you with every fiber of my heart. I mean it when I say I’ll always be there for you.”

“I know.” She does, and she loves him even more for his patience.

“Give it time.”

She hopes it to be true.

“What about you?” The thought hasn’t crossed her mind until now.

The movement of his fingers falters for a split second before they continue their journey.

“I’ll be okay.”

“Jack,” she demands his attention, “we both need to heal. Alone and together, if we want to move forward. I don’t want you to sacrifice a part of yourself just to save me.”

“I won’t. I promise,” he replies without hesitation.

She stares at his unreadable face, hidden in the shadows of the night. His touch emphasizes his words and vouches for them.

They bring the best out in each other, although time left a trail of damages and scars behind. Despite everything, their rough edges fit perfectly together. She is ‘Across’ to his ‘Down’, a clue and an answer all in one.

Since she has always been better with actions than with words, Sam decides to show him. Locking their lips, she slides her tongue along the seam, teasing and tempting. Her hand sneaks down and fondles him.

“Saaam,” he moans against her lips, “don’t start something you don’t intend to finish.” His breath hitches. “I don’t have any protection.”

“There are other ways to give you pleasure.” The determination in her voice echoes through the air.

“Us,” he reminds her. The word nurtures the flame of confidence inside her chest. It holds the key to the future.

Together, they can rise like a phoenix.

She bestows one last kiss upon him before she nibbles her way over the enticing planes of his chest. She reacquaints herself with his taste, salty, spicy, and undeniably masculine. Desire crackles at the tip of her tongue. She disappears under the covers and pays special attention to the trail of hair that adorns his skin south of his navel.

His guttural approval cuts through the bedroom.

It’s another step in the right direction, Sam discovers. She is getting closer to piecing herself back together.

**Author's Note:**

> Now, we know what is going on in Sam's head. The depth of her insecurities is surprising and overwhelming.
> 
> Let's move on and see how her conclusion affects their future.


End file.
